It hurts when love fails

Graphics for Heartbreak Comments

This one Filipino song that truly describes my thoughts on love as of the moment.
I hope you also get affected with the message of the song when you read the lyrics.


It Hurts When Love Fails

I'm afraid to love you
I'm afraid to care
I hope you understand my heart
Coz it hurts when love fails

I'm afraid to hold you
I'm afraid of your touch
I'm afraid to love again
Coz it hurts when love fails


It hurts me so bad that time
that i wasn't able to sleep
Tears were falling from my eyes
And i never noticed it.
It hurts me so bad that I
never wanted to live.
I'm afraid to love again
Coz it hurts when love fails

I'm afraid to look at you
I'm afraid of your kiss
Coz I've been through this before
And it hurts when love fails.

Bad "Hair" Day

I cut may hair yesterday (Sunday). Short. As in short (by my own standard, that is.) For most people, cutting their hair would indicate that they are happy and inspired. But for me, cutting my hair, or doing anything about it would mean the opposite. For most of the time, I only cut my hair when I feel sad, lonely and depressed. I have this stupid idea that once I lose a part of my wavy hairs, along come with it all the hurt and desperation I feel and try to hide inside.

I could not say that my act of cutting my hair yesterday was different from the previous ones. Yes, I kinda sad and depressed, but the main reason why I wanted to cut my hair was the thought and the hope that, I want a fresh new start, with nothing in particular. I just had this feeling that I need new beginnings and new perspectives.

I was really hopeful, up until early this morning when all of a sudden, those hopes was just flushed through the sink. You see, I slept early last night, even missing some of my favorite TV shows (believe me, doing so, is indeed a sacrifice), I woke up early than usual this morning, only to wait for more than an hour at the bus terminal for my ride for work. It was raining so hard, and I ended up not only somewhat drenched in rain but also very late.

Funny, how fate really plays its game. Just when I finally decided to make a brand new start for soul and my heart, fate comes in again, as if saying that its not yet time. How can I move on, when even my "friend" Fate, doesn't allow me to do so? Hmmp, I smell something fishy here. Is this nature's way of saying that I don't need a fresh start? Who needs a fresh start when I'm not rotten, after all. Could be true. Perhaps. Probably correct. Maybe, this is just a case of bad luck. Maybe, this happened to make me realize that no matter how much I want to do, I cannot control everything that is to happen in my life.

I do need a start. Need it so badly. And I want it soon. But how?

Happiness And My Lack Thereof

I was all alone (again) sitting in a donut store one afternoon at a local mall, while waiting for my turn for a check up at the company clinic. The place was utterly crowded, with different kinds of people from all walks of life, coming and going, back and forth, left and right. I was there looking at all of them, but I am actually not seeing them. Sounds funny, but its true.

My mind was roaming around. I was thinking of varying thoughts that I could not even pinpoint what they are exactly. I was staring into nothingness and everyone that surrounds me are nothing but vague shadows. I was deeply contemplating on so many things but I could not recognize what they are. It was like I was physically there, but I was mentally and emotionally somewhere else.

I always want people to see like everything is okay with my life. I have built this facade of "happiness" amidst all my sorrows and fears. But my life is really happy. To some extent, it really is. And all these feelings of loneliness are just all in my mind. All of these "drama" are just products of my own doing. Perhaps, all these "alone" and "lonely" moments are just effects and after-effects of my illusions and disillusionments.

Funny, with all the good things that are happening in my life, career-wise, I should be grateful and happy. In fact, I really am grateful. I am thankful.

But I don't think I'm happy. Seemingly, there are empty spaces in the deep recesses of my heart that needs to be filled. I am not happy to the purest and real meaning of the word. In fact, I don't feel that I am happy at all.

Because, honestly, my mind is so full, it may be overflowing. But my soul is starving and my HEART is empty.

Fears and Failures

All my life, I have this feeling that I cannot be a disappointment. As an only child, and as the only niece and grandchild (on my father's side), I always have this notion, that I have to be the best and always be the best. Though, my family have not said or complied me to become such, not explicitly, but somehow at the back of my mind there are implications and indications that I have to become one.

Unconsciously, I have set standards and rules for myself to be able to cope with the imaginary "pressures" that I may have personally showered myself. I have reasons to feel and do such. While growing up, I have excelled in various fields. I have very good grades, almost always at the top of my class and somehow I could also carry a tune. I have achieved so much. I'm always one of the few kids that would have received most of the awards and ribbons during recognition days. The trend continued for as long as I can remember. I graduated cum laude in college, I was conferred my MBA at the age of 25. My parents are very proud of me. My distant relatives admire my achievements, even my neighbors projects me as the perfect daughter. In there eyes, I could do no wrong. All they need to say is that I may be perfect.

But I'm not perfect. Far from it. (No one is.) I also have my share of blunders. Some of them petty, but there are also those that are grave. All my life, I have been closely guarded. I always hear about how my relatives especially my uncles and aunts brag to the world all of my achievements. Not that I'm not proud of it. In fact, I really am. I have always known that they make me as the perfect example to all my cousins, that they have to be able to achieve what I have, or better yet, become more than I am. It is really very flattering, but the more I hear it from them, the more pressure I give myself only to be able to live with their opinion and expectations.

All along, I have thought of myself, as someone strong, confident and brave. But as I grow older and get exposed to the real scenarios of real life, beyond all the books I've read and the movies I've watched, I came to realize that I am not the person I think I am. I am weak, meek and a coward. Especially in the aspect of personal relationships.

As an only child, it has become my biggest fear to grow old alone. To go through all my adventures with no one to share it with. And so, growing up I have always wish to find that special person to share my journey with. But as I see my friends cry rivers with their broken hearts, as I came to know a lot of intelligent people became dumb the instant they let their hearts rule over their whole life, and as I came to realize all the mistakes most people make for the sake of their hearts, I has come to me that I should not and especially could not afford to do the same faults they make.

I cannot be dumbfounded by my heart. I could not cry an ocean of tears just for one person and most especially I cannot became a disappointment. Yes, I am so afraid to fail in this area, when all my life I have achieve so much and I cannot afford to lose all of those just because of my dumb heart.

I have taken careful measures to secure myself the position of being the role model. The epitome of perfection. And I cannot make steps that would dislodge my position of being the best to becoming the worst. I am not ready to take the risk, not even if it means me finding that one special person to save me from the grueling task of living alone.

That is why, I am no longer surprised that I have reached this age and yet I am still an NBSB. I am ME. Intelligent, a role model, they say I am the example of perfection. And sadly, I am also ME. Fearful, afraid of failures, of becoming a disappointment.

I am so confused, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I have never ran out of ideas, but now, I admit that my ideas have ran out. Time has ran out. It seems that I'll be running out forever.

Game, Set and Match

It is my early Monday routine to go to the bus terminal and catch either the 1st or 2nd trip to my workplace. It is also part of the routine that my Papa will be the first to step into the bus, find a seat for me, while I wait for almost all the passengers to get in. This is done for the simple reason that Papa doesn't want me to join the commotion and apparently, he just doesn't want me to be tugged along by different people and avoiding the tendency of other people to touch other people's body parts. That's how protective and sweet my father is. And I'm so happy about it.

There was nothing out of the ordinary that particular Monday. Everything was as it should be. So there I was, falling in line, waiting for my turn to step in the bus, while Papa was already on board. I also thought that nothing extraordinary would happen. Neither did I know that "that" particular morning would change the way I view the present emotional status of my life.
While in line, there was this couple before me. They were holding hands, waiting for their turn. It was not an unusual sight to see. Many couples do that nowadays, even in the public places such as the bus station. It was all normal until all of the sudden when it was the girl's (and I mean, girl) turn to step into the bus, she turned her back to her boy and gave him a kiss, not the common smack, but a kiss in the lips.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I had to control myself to keep my jaws from falling and as if to add insult to injury, I thought I saw the boy looking and staring at me while giving his girl that kiss, as if to say "Oh, poor little spinster. You look so lonely." I was not sure if it was just my imagination that led me to believe that he stared at me, but the kiss was real and what I felt about that scene was never a product of my wild thoughts. It was more real that I expected.

And so, to save my face, I turned away, blinked a few times and held my head high, as if to say that "Hey, I'm not affected. The hell do I care." but a voice in my head actually says' "Yeah, right. Talk to the hand."

I did not let my emotions got into my face. I was smiling at Papa as I bade him goodbye. I was silently cursing the bus driver for it took him longer than usual to start the engine and go on with the trip.

And there I was in my seat, staring at the window, trying my hardest to control my tears from falling. For what happened just a while ago was more than a realization. It was more of a slap in the face, a strong poke in the head and a sharp and poisoned arrow hitting me straight into my heart all at the same time. I wonder why I am still alive.

And suddenly my brain was flooded with questions. How come those young couple ( and I mean, way younger than I am) have already found the love they've been waiting for? How come despite their young age, they have already felt that emotion that I can only and still imagine and long for up to this very day? What have I done wrong in my past life to have experienced this in my present life? So many questions, but I can't find the answers still. It seems that I may be waiting in vain forever. ( I really hope not.)

For the longest time, I have been telling myself that I am happy. But now, I am starting to question it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with most of the aspects of my life, but not with the matters of the heart. I always say to myself that "I may be alone, but I am not lonely." This is what I want others to believe and I even let myself believe it as well. But as time passes by, I'm now beginning to see that it is becoming a big lie. It was my battle cry. It is the shield that I use to protect my face and my heart. But after that event the morning at the terminal, I suddenly felt that I am the loneliest person on earth. And it felt real and true. And this time, I concede. Like in a tennis game, I lost via one shot. That simple "kiss" just defeated me instantly, what hurts more is the fact that I seem to have lost without fighting. All of the sudden, it was game, set and match.

Hang-ups and Taking Risks

Someone once texted me that "he doesn't know what's wrong with me". He said that I have so many hang-ups. According to him, I want to do a lot of things, but he doesn't know what's stopping me. He said further, that I want to do a lot of acts, yet I can't or won't even try to realize it. And finally, he said, it's time for me to take risks.

It was such a slap in the face. I admit that now. but when he texted me that, I just laughed at him, telling him he's gone crazy. and that he doesn't know me that much to psycho-analyze me. How I dare you., I said. I even lectured him that I, as a graduate student at that time, have come to recognize that I only take calculated risks and the risk that he wants we to take is way over my cup of tea.

Despite of the anger I felt, I saved his message. I don't know why, but someone at the back of my mind told me that it was the right thing to to. And so I did. So one day, while reading through my almost full Inbox, I read that message again, and it suddenly hit me like lightning, how correct he was. And it was my damn pride that hindered me from admitting the truth. At that time, I could not accept that he has defeated me. In fact, I still wouldn't admit that fact to him. Over my dead body. (Laughs.)

Perhaps I have hang-ups and maybe I'm just afraid of taking risks. And even if I admot that fact today, I still don't know what those are. I think that is an even bigger problem. (Hehehe). I now realize and recognize those facts but mere recognizing and admitting would not do me any good. What I need today is to know what "those" hang-ups are and work towards overcoming them.

Moreover, I should start taking risks from now on, but that voice at the back of ming again, still says NO> Perhaps, I need to make amends and compromises. I need to set standards so as to know which risks are worth taking and which ones are worth dumping.

Nevertheless, that same voice is silently thanking that person for having the courage though not personally to make me see what is "wrong" with me. I owe a lot to him. I hope I could thank him for it and take back that "ungrateful laugh" that I gave him in return for his psycho analysis. I hope one of these days, I'll have the guts to thank him for making me see that what is perhaps hanging me up and stopping me from taking risks are my "fears" and the possibility of failure. (But this is another story).

It's not too late, right? I still have his number. I guess, he's just a text away.

Of Weddings and Traditions

The months May and June are dubbed to be the most popular time for weddings. And most of the time, it is true. For this year, the months of July and August covers the season for weddings (for my case, that is.)

During this period, two significant people in my life have decided to enter the world of marital bliss. My father's cousin, who is technically my Tita, but I fondly call Ate due to the 2-year age gap and my very good friend both tied the knot only three weeks apart. My Ate's wedding was an occasion filled with a happy and joyous atmosphere. Besides, I could not really remember when was the last time the family have come together for a wedding. Further, no one knows whom and when will the next marriage ceremony be for any of the family members. And judging from the funny and strange looks that I got when this matter was discussed, it was very obvious that everyone in the family are thinking that I am the next in line.

But the wedding ceremony has become more memorable for me for the simple reason that I caught the wedding bouquet. Yeah, first time. After the numerous number of times that I attended weddings, I was already entertaining the thought that even rituals such as this no longer favors me. At last it came, not that I've been waiting for it to happen but there was this exhilarating feeling, that perhaps, me getting married is a possibility after all. So it is true, that there's always the first time. I admit, I was a little shocked and amazed at the same time, but still I could not ignore the cheers from most of the people, especially the claps and smiles from my Mama. I think, she was even more elated than I was. (Mothers.) Most of them said, "Finally." It was rather good timing, for Papa was not there to witness all the "rituals" that come with the tradition of "bouquet and garter." It was really funny, as if it was an assurance that I am the next to marry, or should I say, that I'm to get married at all.

Three weeks after, I became one of the bridesmaid (for the nth time) for my "barkada's" wedding. I was really pleased when she asked me to be one. We have come a long way from being elementary classmates to roommates in college. How time really fly. It was nice to know that finally, someone from my exclusive circle of friends would enter into life's another journey.

Again, I was the "lucky" lady whom the bouquet chose to land. Whew, two bouquets in a row in a span of 3 weeks. Now that is some kind of a record. Could it be true when they say that when it rains, it pours? Hilarious. Amidst all the cheers, I could still hear and see that "wide-up-to-the-ear" grin from my Mama. She's very excited about all of this. You see, she told me before I enter college that even after the very next day I graduate, I can marry anyone, anywhere, anytime. And being the obedient, only child that I was, I followed her to the letter, and where did it got me now. Not that I'm blaming her or anything, instead, I'm so glad she told me that for I have achieved what I really wanted at that time. Now she's been telling me that I've already have my MBA, and still I am single, and no hint of me, getting married anytime soon. Funny.

Well going back, Mama was indeed very happy for the 'bouquet thing."And so I was again subjected to the whole bouquet and garter fiasco but this time with a twist. Whatever the couple do, we (the other pair) have to emulate. Upon noticing that I am again the "lucky unlucky girl", my Papi (my pet name for my father) came rushing into the scene, not just to witness the whole thing but as if to remind everybody of his presence. Even from afar, I could notice the way he stares, not at me, but to my "partner". Whoa, if looks could really kill, that man was long dead. Poor guy.

Officemates have been teasing me about it, even family and friends. Though not, explicitly, I have felt pressure even before this events have happened. More so now that it has come to this. But too bad for them, I don't easily succumb to any kind of pressure, not before and certainly not now. I am still wondering what this event is trying to indicate? What does it want to reveal? No one really knows. So whether "this" is a blessing or a curse, no one could give me an exact answer. All I know is that, I will only submit to whatever God has planned for me, be it marriage or single-blessedness, only He knows for sure. As of today, I think the latter has more of the edge, but I'm still rooting for the former to compete. (Laughs.) For now, I will let time and fate take its course.

Most painful thoughts......

I have read the story " Send My Love To Heaven" in college when a friends of mine gave a copy, thinking that the "hopeless romantic" side of my persona would appreciate it. Though I really thought that she was exaggerating, I indulged her with a few minutes of my time. And true enough, the story has affected me in more ways than one. I got hooked fro the very beginning and I found myself in tears (literally and figuratively) in the end.

More than the "kilig" factor, the story has taught me a painful lesson. Everytime I read it, I always end up thinking of the biggest "regret scenario" of my life (so far). This "regret scenario" is another story. Perhaps in the very near future, I'll finally find the courage courage to write about it. After every reading, I always think of the "what ifs" and the "if only". I only I have read that story pripor to one event of my life? {Perhaps, the title of this blog might have been different.) If only I had the guts and the strenght to do something that could have changed the course of my lovelife? What if I had the courage to look and face that situation straight in the eyes? There are countless "perhaps" and "maybes" that could have occurred.

I admit, sometimes it still does haunt me. the daunting "what ifs" and "if only." Sadly, it's never going to help me now for doing so today at this very moment would no longer be significant.

I'll be forever thanlful for this story for the constant reminder, for the lesson that I have learned and will continue to learn. I have learned and recognized the hard way, that indeed, the most painful thoughts in life are the thoughts of "what ifs" and "what could have been."


P.S.
Next time, I'll post copy of the this story.

In Search For True Love

I am happy to be an NBSB at 25. I'm definitely not ashamed about it. There's no reason for me to be. For in this times of technological advancements, where having a partner is as easy as a click in the mouse and a few taps in the keyboard, here I am still living in my own "fantasy land", where "prince charming" and "knights in shining armor" rule the world. I still want to be swept off my feet and be bedazzled by sweet words. I am not the 'damsel in distress" type, far from it. But i want to have beautifully crafted love story to tell my children and grandchildren when I grow old. (if I get to have them, that is.)

This is ME, my idea of a romantic life. I still remain a hopeless romantic in this times of cynicism and chauvinistic life. Perhaps, this may be the reason why I am still an NBSB, but I don't mind at all. Maybe I could blame it to the countless romantic novels I have been reading ever since, to Hollywood flicks and TV shows and even to Walt Disney, but I don't.

I know people may raise their brows but let them be. I have nothing against people whose actions and beliefs are not like mine. Let us all do and think what will make us happy and be contended with it, after all, in the end, we only have to answer to ourselves.

I don't want to settle for anything less than what I truly deserve. I don't want to have boyfriend just for the sake of having one and to have the chance not to be ridiculed by my current state of hearts. I want to share the rest of my life with someone who will love me not despite of my flaws but because of who I am, fully embracing and accepting me for all my faults and imperfections. Hey, that's not too much to ask, right? I believe that in my search for true love, God said, " I am the author of true love. I am the Creator of romance." and with this, I am entrusting to Him the "pen" of my precious life, to write the script of my beautiful tale of LOVE.