Game, Set and Match

It is my early Monday routine to go to the bus terminal and catch either the 1st or 2nd trip to my workplace. It is also part of the routine that my Papa will be the first to step into the bus, find a seat for me, while I wait for almost all the passengers to get in. This is done for the simple reason that Papa doesn't want me to join the commotion and apparently, he just doesn't want me to be tugged along by different people and avoiding the tendency of other people to touch other people's body parts. That's how protective and sweet my father is. And I'm so happy about it.

There was nothing out of the ordinary that particular Monday. Everything was as it should be. So there I was, falling in line, waiting for my turn to step in the bus, while Papa was already on board. I also thought that nothing extraordinary would happen. Neither did I know that "that" particular morning would change the way I view the present emotional status of my life.
While in line, there was this couple before me. They were holding hands, waiting for their turn. It was not an unusual sight to see. Many couples do that nowadays, even in the public places such as the bus station. It was all normal until all of the sudden when it was the girl's (and I mean, girl) turn to step into the bus, she turned her back to her boy and gave him a kiss, not the common smack, but a kiss in the lips.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I had to control myself to keep my jaws from falling and as if to add insult to injury, I thought I saw the boy looking and staring at me while giving his girl that kiss, as if to say "Oh, poor little spinster. You look so lonely." I was not sure if it was just my imagination that led me to believe that he stared at me, but the kiss was real and what I felt about that scene was never a product of my wild thoughts. It was more real that I expected.

And so, to save my face, I turned away, blinked a few times and held my head high, as if to say that "Hey, I'm not affected. The hell do I care." but a voice in my head actually says' "Yeah, right. Talk to the hand."

I did not let my emotions got into my face. I was smiling at Papa as I bade him goodbye. I was silently cursing the bus driver for it took him longer than usual to start the engine and go on with the trip.

And there I was in my seat, staring at the window, trying my hardest to control my tears from falling. For what happened just a while ago was more than a realization. It was more of a slap in the face, a strong poke in the head and a sharp and poisoned arrow hitting me straight into my heart all at the same time. I wonder why I am still alive.

And suddenly my brain was flooded with questions. How come those young couple ( and I mean, way younger than I am) have already found the love they've been waiting for? How come despite their young age, they have already felt that emotion that I can only and still imagine and long for up to this very day? What have I done wrong in my past life to have experienced this in my present life? So many questions, but I can't find the answers still. It seems that I may be waiting in vain forever. ( I really hope not.)

For the longest time, I have been telling myself that I am happy. But now, I am starting to question it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with most of the aspects of my life, but not with the matters of the heart. I always say to myself that "I may be alone, but I am not lonely." This is what I want others to believe and I even let myself believe it as well. But as time passes by, I'm now beginning to see that it is becoming a big lie. It was my battle cry. It is the shield that I use to protect my face and my heart. But after that event the morning at the terminal, I suddenly felt that I am the loneliest person on earth. And it felt real and true. And this time, I concede. Like in a tennis game, I lost via one shot. That simple "kiss" just defeated me instantly, what hurts more is the fact that I seem to have lost without fighting. All of the sudden, it was game, set and match.

Hang-ups and Taking Risks

Someone once texted me that "he doesn't know what's wrong with me". He said that I have so many hang-ups. According to him, I want to do a lot of things, but he doesn't know what's stopping me. He said further, that I want to do a lot of acts, yet I can't or won't even try to realize it. And finally, he said, it's time for me to take risks.

It was such a slap in the face. I admit that now. but when he texted me that, I just laughed at him, telling him he's gone crazy. and that he doesn't know me that much to psycho-analyze me. How I dare you., I said. I even lectured him that I, as a graduate student at that time, have come to recognize that I only take calculated risks and the risk that he wants we to take is way over my cup of tea.

Despite of the anger I felt, I saved his message. I don't know why, but someone at the back of my mind told me that it was the right thing to to. And so I did. So one day, while reading through my almost full Inbox, I read that message again, and it suddenly hit me like lightning, how correct he was. And it was my damn pride that hindered me from admitting the truth. At that time, I could not accept that he has defeated me. In fact, I still wouldn't admit that fact to him. Over my dead body. (Laughs.)

Perhaps I have hang-ups and maybe I'm just afraid of taking risks. And even if I admot that fact today, I still don't know what those are. I think that is an even bigger problem. (Hehehe). I now realize and recognize those facts but mere recognizing and admitting would not do me any good. What I need today is to know what "those" hang-ups are and work towards overcoming them.

Moreover, I should start taking risks from now on, but that voice at the back of ming again, still says NO> Perhaps, I need to make amends and compromises. I need to set standards so as to know which risks are worth taking and which ones are worth dumping.

Nevertheless, that same voice is silently thanking that person for having the courage though not personally to make me see what is "wrong" with me. I owe a lot to him. I hope I could thank him for it and take back that "ungrateful laugh" that I gave him in return for his psycho analysis. I hope one of these days, I'll have the guts to thank him for making me see that what is perhaps hanging me up and stopping me from taking risks are my "fears" and the possibility of failure. (But this is another story).

It's not too late, right? I still have his number. I guess, he's just a text away.

Of Weddings and Traditions

The months May and June are dubbed to be the most popular time for weddings. And most of the time, it is true. For this year, the months of July and August covers the season for weddings (for my case, that is.)

During this period, two significant people in my life have decided to enter the world of marital bliss. My father's cousin, who is technically my Tita, but I fondly call Ate due to the 2-year age gap and my very good friend both tied the knot only three weeks apart. My Ate's wedding was an occasion filled with a happy and joyous atmosphere. Besides, I could not really remember when was the last time the family have come together for a wedding. Further, no one knows whom and when will the next marriage ceremony be for any of the family members. And judging from the funny and strange looks that I got when this matter was discussed, it was very obvious that everyone in the family are thinking that I am the next in line.

But the wedding ceremony has become more memorable for me for the simple reason that I caught the wedding bouquet. Yeah, first time. After the numerous number of times that I attended weddings, I was already entertaining the thought that even rituals such as this no longer favors me. At last it came, not that I've been waiting for it to happen but there was this exhilarating feeling, that perhaps, me getting married is a possibility after all. So it is true, that there's always the first time. I admit, I was a little shocked and amazed at the same time, but still I could not ignore the cheers from most of the people, especially the claps and smiles from my Mama. I think, she was even more elated than I was. (Mothers.) Most of them said, "Finally." It was rather good timing, for Papa was not there to witness all the "rituals" that come with the tradition of "bouquet and garter." It was really funny, as if it was an assurance that I am the next to marry, or should I say, that I'm to get married at all.

Three weeks after, I became one of the bridesmaid (for the nth time) for my "barkada's" wedding. I was really pleased when she asked me to be one. We have come a long way from being elementary classmates to roommates in college. How time really fly. It was nice to know that finally, someone from my exclusive circle of friends would enter into life's another journey.

Again, I was the "lucky" lady whom the bouquet chose to land. Whew, two bouquets in a row in a span of 3 weeks. Now that is some kind of a record. Could it be true when they say that when it rains, it pours? Hilarious. Amidst all the cheers, I could still hear and see that "wide-up-to-the-ear" grin from my Mama. She's very excited about all of this. You see, she told me before I enter college that even after the very next day I graduate, I can marry anyone, anywhere, anytime. And being the obedient, only child that I was, I followed her to the letter, and where did it got me now. Not that I'm blaming her or anything, instead, I'm so glad she told me that for I have achieved what I really wanted at that time. Now she's been telling me that I've already have my MBA, and still I am single, and no hint of me, getting married anytime soon. Funny.

Well going back, Mama was indeed very happy for the 'bouquet thing."And so I was again subjected to the whole bouquet and garter fiasco but this time with a twist. Whatever the couple do, we (the other pair) have to emulate. Upon noticing that I am again the "lucky unlucky girl", my Papi (my pet name for my father) came rushing into the scene, not just to witness the whole thing but as if to remind everybody of his presence. Even from afar, I could notice the way he stares, not at me, but to my "partner". Whoa, if looks could really kill, that man was long dead. Poor guy.

Officemates have been teasing me about it, even family and friends. Though not, explicitly, I have felt pressure even before this events have happened. More so now that it has come to this. But too bad for them, I don't easily succumb to any kind of pressure, not before and certainly not now. I am still wondering what this event is trying to indicate? What does it want to reveal? No one really knows. So whether "this" is a blessing or a curse, no one could give me an exact answer. All I know is that, I will only submit to whatever God has planned for me, be it marriage or single-blessedness, only He knows for sure. As of today, I think the latter has more of the edge, but I'm still rooting for the former to compete. (Laughs.) For now, I will let time and fate take its course.

Most painful thoughts......

I have read the story " Send My Love To Heaven" in college when a friends of mine gave a copy, thinking that the "hopeless romantic" side of my persona would appreciate it. Though I really thought that she was exaggerating, I indulged her with a few minutes of my time. And true enough, the story has affected me in more ways than one. I got hooked fro the very beginning and I found myself in tears (literally and figuratively) in the end.

More than the "kilig" factor, the story has taught me a painful lesson. Everytime I read it, I always end up thinking of the biggest "regret scenario" of my life (so far). This "regret scenario" is another story. Perhaps in the very near future, I'll finally find the courage courage to write about it. After every reading, I always think of the "what ifs" and the "if only". I only I have read that story pripor to one event of my life? {Perhaps, the title of this blog might have been different.) If only I had the guts and the strenght to do something that could have changed the course of my lovelife? What if I had the courage to look and face that situation straight in the eyes? There are countless "perhaps" and "maybes" that could have occurred.

I admit, sometimes it still does haunt me. the daunting "what ifs" and "if only." Sadly, it's never going to help me now for doing so today at this very moment would no longer be significant.

I'll be forever thanlful for this story for the constant reminder, for the lesson that I have learned and will continue to learn. I have learned and recognized the hard way, that indeed, the most painful thoughts in life are the thoughts of "what ifs" and "what could have been."


P.S.
Next time, I'll post copy of the this story.

In Search For True Love

I am happy to be an NBSB at 25. I'm definitely not ashamed about it. There's no reason for me to be. For in this times of technological advancements, where having a partner is as easy as a click in the mouse and a few taps in the keyboard, here I am still living in my own "fantasy land", where "prince charming" and "knights in shining armor" rule the world. I still want to be swept off my feet and be bedazzled by sweet words. I am not the 'damsel in distress" type, far from it. But i want to have beautifully crafted love story to tell my children and grandchildren when I grow old. (if I get to have them, that is.)

This is ME, my idea of a romantic life. I still remain a hopeless romantic in this times of cynicism and chauvinistic life. Perhaps, this may be the reason why I am still an NBSB, but I don't mind at all. Maybe I could blame it to the countless romantic novels I have been reading ever since, to Hollywood flicks and TV shows and even to Walt Disney, but I don't.

I know people may raise their brows but let them be. I have nothing against people whose actions and beliefs are not like mine. Let us all do and think what will make us happy and be contended with it, after all, in the end, we only have to answer to ourselves.

I don't want to settle for anything less than what I truly deserve. I don't want to have boyfriend just for the sake of having one and to have the chance not to be ridiculed by my current state of hearts. I want to share the rest of my life with someone who will love me not despite of my flaws but because of who I am, fully embracing and accepting me for all my faults and imperfections. Hey, that's not too much to ask, right? I believe that in my search for true love, God said, " I am the author of true love. I am the Creator of romance." and with this, I am entrusting to Him the "pen" of my precious life, to write the script of my beautiful tale of LOVE.