Fears and Failures

All my life, I have this feeling that I cannot be a disappointment. As an only child, and as the only niece and grandchild (on my father's side), I always have this notion, that I have to be the best and always be the best. Though, my family have not said or complied me to become such, not explicitly, but somehow at the back of my mind there are implications and indications that I have to become one.

Unconsciously, I have set standards and rules for myself to be able to cope with the imaginary "pressures" that I may have personally showered myself. I have reasons to feel and do such. While growing up, I have excelled in various fields. I have very good grades, almost always at the top of my class and somehow I could also carry a tune. I have achieved so much. I'm always one of the few kids that would have received most of the awards and ribbons during recognition days. The trend continued for as long as I can remember. I graduated cum laude in college, I was conferred my MBA at the age of 25. My parents are very proud of me. My distant relatives admire my achievements, even my neighbors projects me as the perfect daughter. In there eyes, I could do no wrong. All they need to say is that I may be perfect.

But I'm not perfect. Far from it. (No one is.) I also have my share of blunders. Some of them petty, but there are also those that are grave. All my life, I have been closely guarded. I always hear about how my relatives especially my uncles and aunts brag to the world all of my achievements. Not that I'm not proud of it. In fact, I really am. I have always known that they make me as the perfect example to all my cousins, that they have to be able to achieve what I have, or better yet, become more than I am. It is really very flattering, but the more I hear it from them, the more pressure I give myself only to be able to live with their opinion and expectations.

All along, I have thought of myself, as someone strong, confident and brave. But as I grow older and get exposed to the real scenarios of real life, beyond all the books I've read and the movies I've watched, I came to realize that I am not the person I think I am. I am weak, meek and a coward. Especially in the aspect of personal relationships.

As an only child, it has become my biggest fear to grow old alone. To go through all my adventures with no one to share it with. And so, growing up I have always wish to find that special person to share my journey with. But as I see my friends cry rivers with their broken hearts, as I came to know a lot of intelligent people became dumb the instant they let their hearts rule over their whole life, and as I came to realize all the mistakes most people make for the sake of their hearts, I has come to me that I should not and especially could not afford to do the same faults they make.

I cannot be dumbfounded by my heart. I could not cry an ocean of tears just for one person and most especially I cannot became a disappointment. Yes, I am so afraid to fail in this area, when all my life I have achieve so much and I cannot afford to lose all of those just because of my dumb heart.

I have taken careful measures to secure myself the position of being the role model. The epitome of perfection. And I cannot make steps that would dislodge my position of being the best to becoming the worst. I am not ready to take the risk, not even if it means me finding that one special person to save me from the grueling task of living alone.

That is why, I am no longer surprised that I have reached this age and yet I am still an NBSB. I am ME. Intelligent, a role model, they say I am the example of perfection. And sadly, I am also ME. Fearful, afraid of failures, of becoming a disappointment.

I am so confused, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I have never ran out of ideas, but now, I admit that my ideas have ran out. Time has ran out. It seems that I'll be running out forever.