Bad "Hair" Day

I cut may hair yesterday (Sunday). Short. As in short (by my own standard, that is.) For most people, cutting their hair would indicate that they are happy and inspired. But for me, cutting my hair, or doing anything about it would mean the opposite. For most of the time, I only cut my hair when I feel sad, lonely and depressed. I have this stupid idea that once I lose a part of my wavy hairs, along come with it all the hurt and desperation I feel and try to hide inside.

I could not say that my act of cutting my hair yesterday was different from the previous ones. Yes, I kinda sad and depressed, but the main reason why I wanted to cut my hair was the thought and the hope that, I want a fresh new start, with nothing in particular. I just had this feeling that I need new beginnings and new perspectives.

I was really hopeful, up until early this morning when all of a sudden, those hopes was just flushed through the sink. You see, I slept early last night, even missing some of my favorite TV shows (believe me, doing so, is indeed a sacrifice), I woke up early than usual this morning, only to wait for more than an hour at the bus terminal for my ride for work. It was raining so hard, and I ended up not only somewhat drenched in rain but also very late.

Funny, how fate really plays its game. Just when I finally decided to make a brand new start for soul and my heart, fate comes in again, as if saying that its not yet time. How can I move on, when even my "friend" Fate, doesn't allow me to do so? Hmmp, I smell something fishy here. Is this nature's way of saying that I don't need a fresh start? Who needs a fresh start when I'm not rotten, after all. Could be true. Perhaps. Probably correct. Maybe, this is just a case of bad luck. Maybe, this happened to make me realize that no matter how much I want to do, I cannot control everything that is to happen in my life.

I do need a start. Need it so badly. And I want it soon. But how?

Happiness And My Lack Thereof

I was all alone (again) sitting in a donut store one afternoon at a local mall, while waiting for my turn for a check up at the company clinic. The place was utterly crowded, with different kinds of people from all walks of life, coming and going, back and forth, left and right. I was there looking at all of them, but I am actually not seeing them. Sounds funny, but its true.

My mind was roaming around. I was thinking of varying thoughts that I could not even pinpoint what they are exactly. I was staring into nothingness and everyone that surrounds me are nothing but vague shadows. I was deeply contemplating on so many things but I could not recognize what they are. It was like I was physically there, but I was mentally and emotionally somewhere else.

I always want people to see like everything is okay with my life. I have built this facade of "happiness" amidst all my sorrows and fears. But my life is really happy. To some extent, it really is. And all these feelings of loneliness are just all in my mind. All of these "drama" are just products of my own doing. Perhaps, all these "alone" and "lonely" moments are just effects and after-effects of my illusions and disillusionments.

Funny, with all the good things that are happening in my life, career-wise, I should be grateful and happy. In fact, I really am grateful. I am thankful.

But I don't think I'm happy. Seemingly, there are empty spaces in the deep recesses of my heart that needs to be filled. I am not happy to the purest and real meaning of the word. In fact, I don't feel that I am happy at all.

Because, honestly, my mind is so full, it may be overflowing. But my soul is starving and my HEART is empty.

Fears and Failures

All my life, I have this feeling that I cannot be a disappointment. As an only child, and as the only niece and grandchild (on my father's side), I always have this notion, that I have to be the best and always be the best. Though, my family have not said or complied me to become such, not explicitly, but somehow at the back of my mind there are implications and indications that I have to become one.

Unconsciously, I have set standards and rules for myself to be able to cope with the imaginary "pressures" that I may have personally showered myself. I have reasons to feel and do such. While growing up, I have excelled in various fields. I have very good grades, almost always at the top of my class and somehow I could also carry a tune. I have achieved so much. I'm always one of the few kids that would have received most of the awards and ribbons during recognition days. The trend continued for as long as I can remember. I graduated cum laude in college, I was conferred my MBA at the age of 25. My parents are very proud of me. My distant relatives admire my achievements, even my neighbors projects me as the perfect daughter. In there eyes, I could do no wrong. All they need to say is that I may be perfect.

But I'm not perfect. Far from it. (No one is.) I also have my share of blunders. Some of them petty, but there are also those that are grave. All my life, I have been closely guarded. I always hear about how my relatives especially my uncles and aunts brag to the world all of my achievements. Not that I'm not proud of it. In fact, I really am. I have always known that they make me as the perfect example to all my cousins, that they have to be able to achieve what I have, or better yet, become more than I am. It is really very flattering, but the more I hear it from them, the more pressure I give myself only to be able to live with their opinion and expectations.

All along, I have thought of myself, as someone strong, confident and brave. But as I grow older and get exposed to the real scenarios of real life, beyond all the books I've read and the movies I've watched, I came to realize that I am not the person I think I am. I am weak, meek and a coward. Especially in the aspect of personal relationships.

As an only child, it has become my biggest fear to grow old alone. To go through all my adventures with no one to share it with. And so, growing up I have always wish to find that special person to share my journey with. But as I see my friends cry rivers with their broken hearts, as I came to know a lot of intelligent people became dumb the instant they let their hearts rule over their whole life, and as I came to realize all the mistakes most people make for the sake of their hearts, I has come to me that I should not and especially could not afford to do the same faults they make.

I cannot be dumbfounded by my heart. I could not cry an ocean of tears just for one person and most especially I cannot became a disappointment. Yes, I am so afraid to fail in this area, when all my life I have achieve so much and I cannot afford to lose all of those just because of my dumb heart.

I have taken careful measures to secure myself the position of being the role model. The epitome of perfection. And I cannot make steps that would dislodge my position of being the best to becoming the worst. I am not ready to take the risk, not even if it means me finding that one special person to save me from the grueling task of living alone.

That is why, I am no longer surprised that I have reached this age and yet I am still an NBSB. I am ME. Intelligent, a role model, they say I am the example of perfection. And sadly, I am also ME. Fearful, afraid of failures, of becoming a disappointment.

I am so confused, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I have never ran out of ideas, but now, I admit that my ideas have ran out. Time has ran out. It seems that I'll be running out forever.