Game, Set and Match

It is my early Monday routine to go to the bus terminal and catch either the 1st or 2nd trip to my workplace. It is also part of the routine that my Papa will be the first to step into the bus, find a seat for me, while I wait for almost all the passengers to get in. This is done for the simple reason that Papa doesn't want me to join the commotion and apparently, he just doesn't want me to be tugged along by different people and avoiding the tendency of other people to touch other people's body parts. That's how protective and sweet my father is. And I'm so happy about it.

There was nothing out of the ordinary that particular Monday. Everything was as it should be. So there I was, falling in line, waiting for my turn to step in the bus, while Papa was already on board. I also thought that nothing extraordinary would happen. Neither did I know that "that" particular morning would change the way I view the present emotional status of my life.
While in line, there was this couple before me. They were holding hands, waiting for their turn. It was not an unusual sight to see. Many couples do that nowadays, even in the public places such as the bus station. It was all normal until all of the sudden when it was the girl's (and I mean, girl) turn to step into the bus, she turned her back to her boy and gave him a kiss, not the common smack, but a kiss in the lips.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. I had to control myself to keep my jaws from falling and as if to add insult to injury, I thought I saw the boy looking and staring at me while giving his girl that kiss, as if to say "Oh, poor little spinster. You look so lonely." I was not sure if it was just my imagination that led me to believe that he stared at me, but the kiss was real and what I felt about that scene was never a product of my wild thoughts. It was more real that I expected.

And so, to save my face, I turned away, blinked a few times and held my head high, as if to say that "Hey, I'm not affected. The hell do I care." but a voice in my head actually says' "Yeah, right. Talk to the hand."

I did not let my emotions got into my face. I was smiling at Papa as I bade him goodbye. I was silently cursing the bus driver for it took him longer than usual to start the engine and go on with the trip.

And there I was in my seat, staring at the window, trying my hardest to control my tears from falling. For what happened just a while ago was more than a realization. It was more of a slap in the face, a strong poke in the head and a sharp and poisoned arrow hitting me straight into my heart all at the same time. I wonder why I am still alive.

And suddenly my brain was flooded with questions. How come those young couple ( and I mean, way younger than I am) have already found the love they've been waiting for? How come despite their young age, they have already felt that emotion that I can only and still imagine and long for up to this very day? What have I done wrong in my past life to have experienced this in my present life? So many questions, but I can't find the answers still. It seems that I may be waiting in vain forever. ( I really hope not.)

For the longest time, I have been telling myself that I am happy. But now, I am starting to question it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with most of the aspects of my life, but not with the matters of the heart. I always say to myself that "I may be alone, but I am not lonely." This is what I want others to believe and I even let myself believe it as well. But as time passes by, I'm now beginning to see that it is becoming a big lie. It was my battle cry. It is the shield that I use to protect my face and my heart. But after that event the morning at the terminal, I suddenly felt that I am the loneliest person on earth. And it felt real and true. And this time, I concede. Like in a tennis game, I lost via one shot. That simple "kiss" just defeated me instantly, what hurts more is the fact that I seem to have lost without fighting. All of the sudden, it was game, set and match.